3 AM text messages.

"Go back to the first love", he said.

Nose dive.

The troubling matter of it all is that I know better.
Wrongs and rights, the good and the bad. It is understood.
There is so much in me that wants to quit. There is just something so bad that is hovering over me. I see so much around me, but I cannot seem to see the magnitude of my sweet worthy God. I see my flaws, my failures, my hopelessness, my sins. They are all mine. I repeatedly, day after day, claim the bad as my own. I see myself and I am filled with so much shame.

I know I am in a season of nothingness. I know God is making me into nothing so that He can create something beautiful from within. But lately, in a matter of minutes, I lose all my hope and strength. I guess the trouble there is that I count the hope and strength as my own. I give myself credit for what I am capable of and altogether I just end up losing. Who knew becoming nothing would suck this much?

My struggle-
I know so well all the things I am not good for. But I wish I could know all that I am/mean to Him.

I need to be wrapped in Your arms Jesus.
There is nowhere for me to go.
I choose you.
________________________

Highlights of the week:

1) Thursday's noon surprise. Flattering moment. But you know, people are never really how you imagine they ought to be. I'll admit, it was fun though.

2) Friends. Whether or not I choose to spill my guts or keep quiet, I always take comfort in their company. Which makes zeee days ahead of me a bit brighter.

3) I love baseball players. Especially if they can hit a massive tree coupled with a home-run.

4) Sunday. The Church. I love.

5) E.Hong likes to say "faut" rather than fat because it sounds less mean (laughter took a toll on my ribs today).

Love me.

It just is.

I don't know anymore. I'm stuck in a hole of assumptions and planting myself even deeper with my own regrets.

As much as I loathe thinking about the past, I currently lack faith in believing what is to come. So as of now, all I do is just remember. I just remember what was and what I thought would come about. To force myself to let go, in a circumstance I thought was good for me... is so so bitter. I hate thinking about the ending of things. What's worse, is when the ending is so abrupt and forced.

I am bitter at no one. I am bitter at nothing. But it's odd, because I just feel bitterness. I feel the harsh truth, the harsh assumptions, and the harsh departing. Everything just feels harsh.

On top of that, I have a killer midterm in less than two hours. Just lovely :)

I want to be able to say I am thankful in/for all circumstances. But right now, whether it's my lack of faith or the coldness in my heart, I can't help but feel so weak.

God, in the middle of this, help me to only listen to You.

The here and now.

Like a breath of fresh air...
Finding precious things and considering them my treasures has been nothing but trouble for me my whole life. I tried to be so careful this time around.

To obey and submit even when almost everything in me wants to resist and flee from it... Haha man, what a fight.

Wishing and praying you the Best.

Go go go go gone.

C.Shin

Enchanté.

I know myself and this is not settling, it's actually recognizing the quiet, the stillness, the background. It's more than recognition, it's appreciation. It's being able to finally commend the humble, the patient, and the gentle.

Last night I have come to this realization and I commend you, I appreciate you. From the smallest gestures to the grand, it has been nothing but a pleasure. I've always tried to make it about the little things, but for the first time I don't need to force this effort, it is just easy with you.

Extra xo's

Begin again

We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do
---
And for the first time
What's past is past.

Befall.

Learning more about myself and I'm not liking it one bit. There's just so much of me that needs fixing and changing that I get intimidated by it all. There are always standards. And to discover that I am so far from those standards not only hurts to digest but it has left me like a wounded puppy. Lame and damaged. Haha. But praise the Lord for He has not left me helpless. Help is on the way and help is here. Now, if only I would take the time to receive the healing, pruning, and breaking...

I want so much to change from the inside out. But mostly I find myself scrambling for methods on how to change. Too much speculating and not enough doing. Damn that always gets to me. My Faith and Deeds. Yes, oh yes.

Inside my heart God I long to know you. More and more.
I love you more each year. Thank you for that. Thank you for allowing me to know you better each day regardless of what I have done.

And with that, Happy New Year to you all.

Love an,
Anxious, torn, and excited Christine.