3 AM text messages.

"Go back to the first love", he said.

Nose dive.

The troubling matter of it all is that I know better.
Wrongs and rights, the good and the bad. It is understood.
There is so much in me that wants to quit. There is just something so bad that is hovering over me. I see so much around me, but I cannot seem to see the magnitude of my sweet worthy God. I see my flaws, my failures, my hopelessness, my sins. They are all mine. I repeatedly, day after day, claim the bad as my own. I see myself and I am filled with so much shame.

I know I am in a season of nothingness. I know God is making me into nothing so that He can create something beautiful from within. But lately, in a matter of minutes, I lose all my hope and strength. I guess the trouble there is that I count the hope and strength as my own. I give myself credit for what I am capable of and altogether I just end up losing. Who knew becoming nothing would suck this much?

My struggle-
I know so well all the things I am not good for. But I wish I could know all that I am/mean to Him.

I need to be wrapped in Your arms Jesus.
There is nowhere for me to go.
I choose you.
________________________

Highlights of the week:

1) Thursday's noon surprise. Flattering moment. But you know, people are never really how you imagine they ought to be. I'll admit, it was fun though.

2) Friends. Whether or not I choose to spill my guts or keep quiet, I always take comfort in their company. Which makes zeee days ahead of me a bit brighter.

3) I love baseball players. Especially if they can hit a massive tree coupled with a home-run.

4) Sunday. The Church. I love.

5) E.Hong likes to say "faut" rather than fat because it sounds less mean (laughter took a toll on my ribs today).

Love me.

It just is.

I don't know anymore. I'm stuck in a hole of assumptions and planting myself even deeper with my own regrets.

As much as I loathe thinking about the past, I currently lack faith in believing what is to come. So as of now, all I do is just remember. I just remember what was and what I thought would come about. To force myself to let go, in a circumstance I thought was good for me... is so so bitter. I hate thinking about the ending of things. What's worse, is when the ending is so abrupt and forced.

I am bitter at no one. I am bitter at nothing. But it's odd, because I just feel bitterness. I feel the harsh truth, the harsh assumptions, and the harsh departing. Everything just feels harsh.

On top of that, I have a killer midterm in less than two hours. Just lovely :)

I want to be able to say I am thankful in/for all circumstances. But right now, whether it's my lack of faith or the coldness in my heart, I can't help but feel so weak.

God, in the middle of this, help me to only listen to You.

The here and now.

Like a breath of fresh air...
Finding precious things and considering them my treasures has been nothing but trouble for me my whole life. I tried to be so careful this time around.

To obey and submit even when almost everything in me wants to resist and flee from it... Haha man, what a fight.

Wishing and praying you the Best.

Go go go go gone.

C.Shin

Enchanté.

I know myself and this is not settling, it's actually recognizing the quiet, the stillness, the background. It's more than recognition, it's appreciation. It's being able to finally commend the humble, the patient, and the gentle.

Last night I have come to this realization and I commend you, I appreciate you. From the smallest gestures to the grand, it has been nothing but a pleasure. I've always tried to make it about the little things, but for the first time I don't need to force this effort, it is just easy with you.

Extra xo's

Begin again

We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do
---
And for the first time
What's past is past.

Befall.

Learning more about myself and I'm not liking it one bit. There's just so much of me that needs fixing and changing that I get intimidated by it all. There are always standards. And to discover that I am so far from those standards not only hurts to digest but it has left me like a wounded puppy. Lame and damaged. Haha. But praise the Lord for He has not left me helpless. Help is on the way and help is here. Now, if only I would take the time to receive the healing, pruning, and breaking...

I want so much to change from the inside out. But mostly I find myself scrambling for methods on how to change. Too much speculating and not enough doing. Damn that always gets to me. My Faith and Deeds. Yes, oh yes.

Inside my heart God I long to know you. More and more.
I love you more each year. Thank you for that. Thank you for allowing me to know you better each day regardless of what I have done.

And with that, Happy New Year to you all.

Love an,
Anxious, torn, and excited Christine.

All I have is a promise like a thread.

All I know is, He said He'll come back again.

It's the little things.

Been too busy cramming these last minute assignments, quizzes, and exams before thanksgiving break. Also, before my brother's wedding. What the heck. I know righhhtt? Anyways when I think about all that I have to do within the next 4 weeks I get a headache and I so wish I could just close my eyes and teleport to a deep luscious green forest filled with butterflies, blue streams, and wild brown/chocolate horses. Yeah none of those sound like they can cooperate with the other but in my mind it's super nice haha.

Today, like right now... I really appreciate laughter. It's the best remedy for anything. Aside from Jesus of course. Even though most of my dayss circulate around my school crap (hehe dung), God always manages to give me those special moments of genuine joy. Today I laughed a lot. I will never forget how to laugh. It's very important you know. So if you haven't laughed in the past hour- laugh. I dare ya. Anyways as well as appreciating laughter, I appreciate my friends that laugh with me and at me. Which brings me to another point- God thank you for giving me friends that are strange and amusing and fun and extraordinary.

I really should be studying but I don't want to anymore. I'm sick of you! Oho I will regret this very soon. Who gives an exam on Saturday morning anyways?! Aiyiyiiii :(

I'll end this post with a picture of my teensy-weensy self:

Clapping and errrything ha ha

Share a laugh or a silly photo.

Love love,

me.

Falling

Fall is here- naked trees, grey skies, beanies, camo, & parking lot pimpin'.

I find myself looking back at my life just a year ago and I freak out a little bit because so much has happened within the past 10-12 months. Time went by so fast. Dah! It's no joke. Time is no joke. I feel as if the past three months went into super-accelerated mode. I can't even recollect what happened two weeks ago. This makes me sad. Today it hit me again. Like a ton of bricks. (Did I get that saying right?) TIME IS SO PRECIOUS. The most precious thing you can give to a loved one is your time. Time is so important. When I look back on who I've spent the most time with and who I gave my heart the most to... I wish so much that I could say Jesus and my parents. Sadly sadly sadly I can't even say either. I spend so much time on myself and my own priorities that I get consumed by work work work work work work work. And I'm left with nothing but my works. I need to quit being so passive with everything in my life. I've always envied those that are passionate and just so berserk at that one thing. I want to go berserk about sommmeethingg.

Anyways, the main point is I need to begin with generosity. Generosity with my time, money, and heart (compassion). I need to learn to give my time to my parents, my Savior, my friends, and my talents. I've been so childish/senseless with my decisions and my heart/attitude. I always say I need to change this/that about myself, but there's so much to work on that it gets too overwhelming to even begin. Haha sad. So easy and painless to pick out my weaknesses but it's sucha struggle to get in that active mode of striving to become what God wants me to be. Gotta get this ball rollin'.


"You are not loved because of what you have done, you are loved because you exist."- Pastor Joon
Food for thought.

Love,
me.

May Your eyes find

this heart loyal to You.

It's like

kicking a dead horse.

Snippets

Introducing my Jeffrey Campbell platform sneakers +DIY raffia rope

Arizona summer

Birthday girl

 Unforgettable moments with the girlfriend

I want to pursue horseback riding (seriously... one day thoughh)

Silence and red rocks

Trying something new= braid + bun

The Richard

To-go boba. Great or what?

Once I remember to take my camera out of my car trunk and upload the rest of my photos onto the computer, I shall post more photos. For now, the over due ones shall suffice. 

It's friday night and I am at home with a stomach ache that has left me too uncomfortable to wear clothes and look decent for the night. So for now, I will remain in bed with a good book in hand and the ceiling fan on maximum power. Hehe good night, cheers to a super long weekend ahead of me.

Sincerely,

me

I want a flash mob proposal.

Future husband, please please please..?

Flashmob proposal #1

#2

#3

I'm glad you came.

Unexpected.

There's this peculiar feeling without you here. Or dare I say.... a void (this word sounds so intense)? Such an unpredictable feeling that I almost don't know what to make of it. Not a negative or unacceptable thing but just strange to feel. Anywho, you are a lot more special than you think you are and your presence is important too. So, wherever you are- be you and be super.

sidenote: [ *I have been realizing the significance of friendships lately.* I vow to cherish and care for you my dear friend till death do us a part. Heeeh. May the Lord bless you and grant you all the things your Spirit desires so that you may richly do His good works until the time has come for us all. Love you dude. ]

Sunday is funday indeed. Only because the joy of the Lord is my strength. Therefore, anything is possible with God. Even if our matters seem too big for our hands, God completely perfects all things under His name and in His wonderfulllll (emphasis on the full) love. So yayee and hip hip hooray!

Feeling extra loving and just... DANDY today!

Smiles all around. Love epidemic. :)

Love,

me.

Saturday.

A day well spent with the parents. From the looks of it, I'm sure my parents always assume that I am 90% of the time irritated or bothered by them, but secretly, I wish I could live with my parents forever until their dying day on earth. I know most people my age would love to move out and get away from home but not I. I'm falling in love with my parents. I can finally appreciate the things that used to go unnoticed years before. Of course I have that illness called the "youngest child syndrome" where everything in the household must revolve around moi. Hehe. No, but honestly speaking, I love my parent's devotion to me. Okay, now I am sounding as if I am the only child. I assure you I am not. The other one is on the other side of the country slaving away and building himself a future for his soon-to-be-wi-wi-wi-wife. Anyways, appreciating my parents utmost devotion to me, has allowed me to see God in a different and more warm light. God is perfect. And yes, my parents are very flawed in their own ways, but they are perfect to me as well. So you see, God shared a bit of his perfection upon my parents. Haha so biased. I know. Just saying, I love my parents to death and I cannot wait till they find the same Love I have found.

My pictures always seem to be very reluctant to upload... regardless of the website. I wonder if all of you are familiar with that time of lingering on other sites while checking every 2 seconds to see if something is loading cos' I sure am. Sheesh.

Hereigohereigohereigofinally-

Redondo Beach

This bird was very gross. It was stretching its mouth and swallowing its' head. Doesn't make sense right? Exactly. The image was not pleasant either.

Entertainers. Pretty funny I must saay.

They fish for fish. I fish for men (The Jesus way not the mingling way).

Bibs and crabs and oysters and live shrimp. Something I never will enjoy (allergies hiiyah).

This hombre at Manhattan Beach (lovely spot) caught a sting ray. Over 100lbs.

Manhattan Ave. Love this spot. Cute stores with pretty people. And plenty of volleyball nets.

Waiting for pops outside of Starbucks.

Manhattan Creamery. Super adorable ice cream shop that had all the delectables you can think of. Anyways, my parents went all paparazzi mode on me and took over 50 pictures of me in this store alone. I know all them white folks were shakin' their heads at the Asians snappin' insignificant photos for 15 straight minutes. Le sigh.

Every new place I come across I always try to find a local ice cream shop or coffee shop. Today I chose ice cream. Coffee ice cream that is. Two birds with one stone or what?

Okay this picture sucks because my camera failed me. But there were rows of these darling houses with the most precious frontyards everywhere along the beach street. I wish you could see it for yourself in this photo. I literally thought I was in wonderland :)

Ice cream almost gone. But the beach in full view.

I shall end with this darling little car. It's a FIAT but a special model of some kind. Whoever the owner of this little bobeep of a car is.. then HIGH-FIVE. You are awesome for purchasing this pretty useless car. I'm being totally serious. Useless but super adorable.

Have a sweet night.

Love,

me.

Problems.

Problems are not problems to God. Problems are merely opportunities for Him to show us who He is, and who we are.

Remember that Rainbow.

They left.

Time to leave.